Hypoglycemics Hold Quiet Suburban Trick-or-Treaters Hostage


KANSAS CITY – Someday, somebody is going to need to ween the sugar addicts off the hallowed treats.

Sugar-seekers in Overland Park, Kansas were held up for a scary encounter last night while hypoglycemics – Halloween’s most frenzied secondary demographic closely rivaling “hot bitches” – frantically searched through Trick-or-Treat bags in a desperate pillage for MalloMars.

Maybe they should have settled for a Snickers.

“I’m terrified. I thought I’d run into a ghoul or goblin or something.” Joey Jones, a fourth-grade prodigy, told police reporters. “Nothing like this.”

Without any silly string or eggs with which to defend themselves, and not enough foot-speed to run away, four kids stood silent for nearly 45 minutes as their bags were violated.

“We’re in our own neighborhood. It’s not supposed to be hostile. It’s supposed to be for fun,” Shawn Jacoby, a third-grade douchebag, said.

Nothing new, according to some residents.

“This happened to me last year,” Jamie Podowski, Little Miss Kansas in 2008, explained. “Even before I’d made it to my first house. They held me up with supersoakers and followed me from porch to porch. They really crave Zero bars.”

Overland Park is approximately 20 miles from Kansas City, Missouri and is consistently voted in the Top 10 of CNN/Money Magazine’s “Best Places to Live” each year. In 2008, Overland Park (or, the O.P. as the kids are calling it these days) was named 9th.

One of the victims was just three houses from his home when the hypos (also called, “Tweakers”) struck.

“It’s just really frustrating,” Henry Berry expounded. “You work your whole night to accumulate a massive and diverse collection of various chocolates, nougat and sugary sweets. To have it gone in a blink through no fault of your own is rather demoralizing.”

During school earlier that day, the kids talked at length about their house-hitting strategy.

“I told them, I’m not trusting any house that serves candy corn out of a small dish left on the porch while they watch through the window. Only registered sex offenders do that,” Podowski said.

Hypoglycemics don’t like candy corn, either, apparently.

The thieves repeatedly tossed stray corns at oncoming traffic, hoping to dent and chip windshields due to candy corn’s high density and pointed edges.

“They repeatedly yelled – and, pardon my language, mom, but – ‘Fuck Candy Corn’,” Jones said. “It made me really nervous. I thought they were going to go after my secret stash of Milky Way I hide inside my pants.”

The kids returned home covered in silly string, eggshells, epi-pen boxes, assorted candy wrappers and melted chocolate.

Parents have seen this type of behavior before, and would prefer it if their utopian paradise was left untainted by irritable sugar-junkies.

“If only they just were allowed free access to complex carbohydrates as part of a balanced diet, none of this would happen,” Mrs. Jones said. “I blame Obama.”


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