Ladies … still totally want a dude just like Tiger Woods

“I just want a nice guy.”

Gentlemen … when you hear that … I want you to watch her nose. It’ll be poking her from behind after growing all the way around the world and back to her.

There is no lie more egregious or easier to detect in all of human existence. It’s more clear-cut than “I’ll call you,” or “There is no scientific data that yet connects smoking with cancer.”

That said, women probably do actually want a nice guy. Except that they don’t. Follow me here.

Dan Bacon, author of The Flow, points out in love song after love song (sung by women, of course!) common themes emerge from the voice of the lovestruck lady:

  • He left her for another women
  • He cheats on her, but she still wants him
  • He doesn’t treat her right, but she’s going to make him change
  • She’s jealous of another girl hanging around
  • He’s a bad boy with his own code
  • Her parents don’t (or wouldn’t) approve of him
  • He doesn’t call her (enough … or anymore)
  • She misses him, because he’s not always available

Jesus … does that sound like the type of man a woman should fall for?

Absofuckinglutely.

Because all those complaints are bi-products of behavioral tendencies and personality traits which women find attractive in men. Don’t believe me? Put this in your Match.com profile and smoke it.

Hi Ladies, I’m John (let’s just say). I’m 27 years old and …

  • I’m confident. I am better at what I do than anyone else is at doing anything else. That’s not braggadocio, that’s a known fact.
  • I’m a man. I’m tough. I once won the U.S. Open with a torn ACL. I’ve been known to lift weights for three hours or more every day during the offseason.
  • I know you don’t know it, but when the camera’s off, I’m actually fairly charming and hilarious. I make my tourmates laugh to they cry with my arsenal of jokes and witticisms.
  • I curse. I throw things. I can be a bit unpredictable and a bit of a challenge, but it gives me some edge.
  • I’m charming. I have a smile that lights the night. I’m polite and courteous to media, fans, sponsors and total strangers. I’m quick with a comeback and I’m earnest at times.
  • My body is expertly-sculpted and perfectly proportioned. I am flexible and strong.
  • I’m well-dressed and enjoy the finer things. I’m timeless and stylish.
  • I’m always up for an adventure. I’ve been around the world and will go there again. I drive my own yacht and climb mountains and country-hop. I also off-road. (wink)
  • I have people who can take care of things for me, and they will take care of things for you, too. I can work a room and people know it.

Now, a man with these traits would never have to say these things, because they’d be perfectly evident in the way he moves, acts, speaks and carries himself.

Women are attracted to confidence, masculinity, humor, challenge, sexuality, style, adventure and social intelligence. Notice I haven’t yet mentioned guys who are “smart”, “nice”, “loyal”, “cute”, “sweet”, or “reliable”. Those are secondary characteristics.

Many of my girl friends (are you quite surprised to know I have some?) often inform me when they discuss their new beau, “And he’s actually a nice guy!” Note the emphasis on “actually.” It’s not mine and it never is. Someone who treats a girl right is someone a girl’s only looking for immediately after getting burned by the last fella she was f–king.

Many of my girl friends (who are in long-term relationships) often tell me, when describing how they and their mate met once upon a hookup, “When I first met him … I hated him” or “When I first met him, I thought he’d be fun but I would never date him” or “When I first met him … I thought he didn’t like me.” It’s not proof that being a prick gets you the girl in the end, but it’s a strong correlation.

Hell, one of my girl friends scoffed at me for suggesting it, then agreed with me not 15 seconds later. Yeah, Alison, I didn’t forget.

Cockiness, bravado, offensiveness, impulsiveness, flirtatiousness, rule-breaking, hyper-competitiveness and being irresistible are extreme examples of all of the above qualities that women find attractive … they are also prime precursors of men who stray or do their women wrong.

Women probably do want a nice man, and all the ladies who have one probably consider themselves fairly lucky.

But they aren’t looking for one, and boys –  if you are one – don’t expect them to find you.

Not unless they’ve got the “Eye of the Tiger.”

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