2009 Status of the Year: Craigslist Ad for a Wedding Date

Now that you’ve made it all that way … here’s the bonus material.

It’s a status from April 2009 that functioned as a preferential qualities we were looking for in a female to accompany us to a wedding of our dear friends. We’d like to thank Marcey for fulfilling the requirements admirably.

Now, without further ado, we proudly present the 2009 Status of the Year:

I am accepting applications for pretend date to real formal event on May 2. Requirements listed in feedback below.

1. Communicate cordially with intoxicated wedding guests.

2. Accompany me adoringly as we “work the room.”

3. Protect me from uncomfortable social-setting conversations with my mother and sister.

4. Down copious amounts of cocktails. Open bars don’t grow on trees.

5. Develop overtly expressed, semi-authentic attraction to me. #4 … Read Moreshould help.

Requirements:

1. Must own or have access to dress that will look absolutely stunning balled up carelessly on my bedroom floor.

2. Must demonstrate access to hardcore drugs. MDMA preferred, will settle for Xanax.

3. Must not suffer from symptoms of “wedding envy,” including phrases like “I want to go home”, “When will I find someone to love me forever?”, or “Did I get boxed out during the bouquet toss?”

4. Must possess tolerance for frequent off-color humor and occasional good-natured insults.

5. Must display intelligence and effervescence above and beyond hair-chewing, smile-and-nodding and gazing at shiny things.

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