2009 – The Year in Status, Part I: People, Places and Things

If nothing else, 2009 was the year of the zinger. A popular place to toss off snappy, witty one-liners is the Facebook Status Update. Over the next few posts, we’ll present to you the very best. Feel free to add your own below …


Because a world where we can’t poke fun at paranoia and food poisoning is not a world I plan to create for my children.

Overheard: “I wonder if she sucks dick like she eats carrots.” Classic.

I think Wal-Mart, Target and Ikea are to retail what Journey, REO Speedwagon and Kansas were to rock. Discuss.

Listening to my guilty pleasure band …. Huey Lewis and the News. They’re the Pringles of rock-and-roll.

Arizona Jeans. Come for the stonewash … stay for the paralyzing fit.

My mailman talks to my cat when she’s in the window. Maybe he wouldn’t if he knew she was a diabolical alien mastermind with a penchant for clawing humans into 700 pieces. *HISS*

You know who I want to meet? Another Western New Yorker who prefers Dunkin Donuts to Tim Horton’s. My blood type’s Boston Creme.

Do you think Bill O’Reilly staggers home at night, pops on his DVR of Glenn Beck and says to himself, “Man, that sicko is a totally unhinged douchebag!”?

Delaware: The Wyoming of the Eastern Seaboard.

The Chinese will often say to me, “Your Chinese food here isn’t real Chinese food.” Listen … it’s delicious! Why don’t you just lie and take credit for it? Why must you destroy my gastronomical fantasy of a Szechuan Wok lining the streets of every city from Shanghai to Beijing?

Chinese restaurants could build a skyscraper made from prime rib and it’d still be ready in less than 10 minutes. How they’re not involved in our space program yet is a shocking mystery.

Seriously, when did the names of beer become more complex than metal band names? I swear I just drank something called Blueberry Deathbox Black Light Chernobyl Ale.

I wonder how call girls prepare their resumes to apply for openings at high-class escort services … “Relevant Work Experience: Wall Street (2002-2006), Blow jobs for day traders in exchange for stock tips.” or “Awards and Accolades: ‘Best I ever had.’ Eliot Spitzer, 2007.” Puzzling.

Cracked Rear View is the Breyer’s Vanilla of rock-and-roll. Bland as hell but ever so delicious.

Adoring cat needs home. New owner must be tolerant of: abandonment issues, language barrier, unprovoked domestic abuse, agoraphobia, spiral notebook fetish, hunger for human flesh.

MS Access: for when Spreadsheets just aren’t OCD enough.

It’s official, folks. Chicago: Paradise for people who love New York but hate New Yorkers.

Magic Hat Roxy Rolles is back in stores. I haven’t been this excited for winter since I was 14 and had backstage tickets to the Rockettes Holiday Spectacular.

Westchester County Winter Bingo: Black North Face fleece, Uggz, Black High-end model SUV, Venti nonfat Peppermint Latte, fake tan.

I’ll tell you, for my money, there’s no finer candy bar than the Twix. Just when you’re mourning the fact that you finished the savory chocolate, caramel and nougat … look in the wrapper! There’s always another one waiting in the wings for you.

Just got around to watching it (online!) but ‘Jersey Shore’ is inarguably the Sargeant Pepper of Reality Television.

All Time Low might be the most nauseating band of the decade.

jersey shore marathon. haven’t seen that many dysfunctional guidos since … wait … I’m in Da U. it’s been 20 minutes.

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