Toyota’s Poltergeist gas pedals best thing to happen to US Auto Industry since gas pedals

Toyota suspended U.S. sales of its many, many popular vehicle models – including the Camry, the best-selling car in America.

The suspension comes as a result of some gas pedals are stickier than a used condom after honeycomb penetration, causing the cars to accelerate without warning – leading to improv drag races and the occasional crash or nine.

The world’s No. 1 automaker will halt production on eight models and at six assembly plants, presumably to find where the crazy-glue leak has sprung in floorboard manufacturing.

All told, the damage is expected to cost Toyota an estimated $60 billion in the U.S. alone.

Among those models deeply affected include RAV4, Corolla, Camry, Matrix, and Avalon. Clearly, this will adversely affect suburban soccer moms, who will now become once again shackled to the stove cooking elaborate organic meals instead of toodling around town carting their children to-and-fro from band practice and enjoying happy hour with their ‘girlies.’

The company’s impeccable reputation for safety and quality will be dealt a serious blow. Michigan auto workers are planning a ball drop and ticker-tape parade through downtown Detroit this Friday at noon.

“Imagine.” Proposes Jerry Swinson, 44, a Flint native and assembly line jockey. “Folks’ll be lining up all around buildings to buy themselves a 2010 Chevy Colbalt with all the fixins! No competition! We’ll be back in the black in no time!”

And with no clear end in sight, the good times continue to roll in domestic factory towns across America.

“We’ve been waiting for this my entire adult life!” Swinson rejoiced. “This is better than when I got my worker’s comp for pink eye. Union scored me a quarter-mil ‘coz I told ’em it was a ‘welding accident.'”

And for Ford, General Motors and Chrysler, there will be plenty more opportunity for more ‘welding accidents’ in the 2010 fiscal year.

Toyota quality laid its first egg in two decades, and it’s a golden one.


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