WASHINGTON – Senate Democrats passed legislation Thursday to permit the government to write a check for $1.9 trillion of money that doesn’t yet exist.
The measure puts the projected national debt total at $14.3 trillion, or roughly the equivalent of the gross aggregate of all the money everyone in the United States will earn this year pre-tax.
But don’t you fret … there’s a calculated method to the monetary madness. The U.S. Government has a fool-proof plan to dig us out of debt quickly: By 2013, we’ll have printed enough fake paper value to purchase the sun.
Democrats pushed through and approved the measure by a 60-39 vote and celebrated wildly with champagne showers, hookers and 100% pure Colombian blow.
This bombastic increase in allowable debt allowed President Barack Obama the logistical green-light to reveal during last night’s State of the Union Address the true masterplan behind combating the cash shortfall.
“I know it’s been a rough decade for the American People. But I am here to inform you that help is on the way. Every man, woman and child need not worry for the rest of their lives about debts, deficits or credit scores lower than room temperature. We have decided to purchase our great celestial being, the origin of all life on this planet and giver of great Jersey Shore tans … we will buy the sun.”
Congress applauded and stood for eight minutes, fist-pumping wildly.
The plan constitutes a purchase of the sun for $32 trillion, to be payable by special delivery of a giant AmEx Black card in the shape of the Voyager satellite, which will make the 93 million-mile trek sometime in 2011.
After a 3-to-5 day waiting period, the satellite should explode in the sun’s oppressive heat, leaving a sunspot in the shape of a receipt, which will inform us the check has cleared and funding was approved.
The United States plans to reimburse itself by leasing out the sun’s rays to other countries at the rate of a $100 per diem per resident. Those who do not wish to pay will be subject to a sun “shut off” period, covering the non-compliant nations in total darkness and cold.
The United States is projecting to rescue itself out of debt by 2018, or at least kill off all of Sub-Saharan Africa within four years, about ten-times faster than pharmaceutical R&D departments previously had hoped.
“This is a great day for America,” Obama articulated. “Soon, we will once again rise to the top in prosperity. The sun will shine down upon us once again. Because it has to, or we’ll sell it to Canada and buy a better one.”