MINNEAPOLIS – It’s been widely speculated that this winter, one of the coldest on record, has caused citizens of the Canadian Shield, Northeast and our nation’s heartland to become enraged.
Now, we see visual evidence of the toll this winter’s taken on our nation’s fragile psyche.
Thousands of protesters stormed a residential park just outside the Twin Cities Thursday afternoon to rally in support of global warming and wage war against continued eco-friendly legislation.
“It’s just disappointing,” says Michelle Bunson of Duluth (Pictured, Front Row, fourth from right). “I’ve been living up here all 32 years of my adult life, and all 32 years we’ve been told ‘The world is getting warmer,’ and all 32 years we’ve seen winters just like this.”
Record cold temperatures have stunned the nation’s mid-section and east coast since mid-November, bringing ice, cold, wind and snow.
“If climate change is coming,” Bunson continued, “It better get here quick. I’ll brush my car off before leaving for the store, and by the time I’m done grocery shopping, I need to brush my car off again. I just don’t have time for this anymore.”
During the 150-minute vigil, Protesters sprayed aerosol cans, lit tire fires and left their cars running in hopes of hastening human-caused damage to the environment.
“I signed here for a reason!” Screamed Adrian Peterson, Vikings running back and one of the few celebrities who braved the blustery chill. “I was speculating on it getting some 10 degrees warmer up here and enjoying a nice long summer, but not too hot for training camp! Had I known it woulda stayed this cold, I’da signed with New Orleans!”
Peterson then attempted to spray “AD 2010” into the snow, but fumbled the bottle, squirting purple paint in his eye.
Despite the cold and tense political climate, many were in good spirits. Some drank chicken soup and hot cocoa from thermoses, while others staged snowball combat in the field.
Despite best efforts, the temperature actually dropped during the course of the rally from 14F to 11F degrees. It is not known whether the protesters will gather again.
“I don’t know what else I can do.” Resigned Bunson. “I love Minneapolis. The mall. The sports. The green belt. I don’t want to have to leave, but if it doesn’t get warmer, how can I expect to find a husband through all this snow?”
Indeed. True love has no season, but it sure has a temperature – and it’s best kept at 72 and sunny.