The Officially Incomplete JG Glossary

Over the past 27 years (or more accurately, 26, since we’re pretty sure we didn’t say much in the delivery room) I’ve had this compulsion – nay, pathology – of inventing my own personal manner-of-speak, often with mixed results.

Some of you find my words, phrases or idioms fairly entertaining. Guaranteed, not as entertaining as I do. For those of you that do (but, alas, mostly for me) here is a semi-definitive list of the key words, concepts and other utterances that for some reason or another have assimilated to my lexicon.

If you’re easily offended by casual racism, sexism or sophomoric humor – or if you’re Canadian – it would be deemed wise if you concluded reading at this point. This column is not for you. (Then again, are ANY of these?)

For the rest of you, we’ve included definitions so in the future, when you hear these, you’re able to follow along. This list is by no means exhaustive, and is presented in alphabetical order, with limited commercial interruption, by Toyota.

#

10 times out of 9 – Something that happens all the time.

1970 Marshall Football team – Something that goes down in flames.

4th Wall – People you’ve met online but not yet in person are said to be “behind the fourth wall.”

A

Amoeba Clique – A social circle whose core members tend to interchange fairly frequently, depending upon the time of day, week or month.

Atlantic City Shopping Spree – Stealing a bunch of shit from a bunch of stores. Takes its name from the ease at which you can steal shot glasses from Boardwalk establishments in AC.
B

Bat Country – middle of nowhere. Earns this moniker from the Hunter S. Thompson book, “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.”

Beat the game (1) – When your stamina with a girl is so impressive, she actually dries up before you can finish.

Beat the game (2) – When you’ve drank so much that by the end of the night, you actually appear to be stone cold sober (yet still drinking).

Boston Kreme – Someone who is black, white and asian
C

California Roll Stop – When you blow a stop sign, but brake just enough to make it look like you put forth some effort.

Cancun – Roxy’s on Main Street in Buffalo.

Canuckistan – Canada

Ceiling fan material – any dress that looks sexy, but due to the high-quality of the girl’s appearance, you imagine it would look sexier thrown over your ceiling fan. Has been generalized to include an assessment of the girl, as well. “She’s ceiling fan material.”

Close the sale – Brospeak for planning to ask a girl, “Would you like to come back to my place?”

Cookie Dough Sport – A disgusting drink that’s inappropriate with other drinks you’ve consumed in an evening. (Ex: A shot of Sambuca after consuming 8-12 Blue Moons.)

Corner of Seventh and Pretense – Any sort of snooty velvet rope-ish establishment in a swanky part of town.

Cranberry Nut Crunch Motherfucking Surprise – Any cereal with so much variance of ingredients that the flavor is impossible to describe. Can also be used as a description for sesnory overload pertaining to Ice Cream, or pot brownies.

Crazy Castle – Drug house, flop house, party house.

D

Deathbox – Bigger, older domestic sedan. (Examples: 80s-90s Buick Century, Pontiac Bonneville, Chevrolet Monte Carlo.)

Digital Detroit – Myspace

Don Juan Valdez – Anyone who, under the influence of stimulants ranging from caffeine to adderall to cocaine, instantly believes they are god’s gift to women.

Donovan McNabb 2-minute drill – A plan of action being approached with no urgency or sense of deadline. Destined for failure.

Doucheasaurus Rex -Not just a douche, but the King Lizard of all douches.

E

Economy Size – Festively plump.

ED – Acronym for Emotional Drunk

eHarmony – A hideously happy couple that won’t leave the restaurant until well after it closes, or squats at a table for upwards of two hours.

Emotional Ejaculation – A narcissistic blog entry which explains how difficult and/or sad and/or boring life has become for the author.

Endless Parade – A litany of mundane tasks, an overwhelming amount of traffic, busywork, propaganda or incompetence.

Ethnic Bingo – Sleeping with as many people from as many different cultural backgrounds as humanly possible.

F

Fuckadoodledoo – Exclamation of surprise, happiness, anger or confusion.

G

G-GOAT – Acronym for Greatest Girl of All Time

God mode – Slang for someone who is in rare form. Someone who brought their A-game, and appears to be either taking care of business with utmost efficiency, or is spouting off uproarious one-liners with great ease and hilarious results. Also, someone who seems to be picking up every girl within in 12 block radius.

Golden Parachute – Having sex with a girl immediately after you dumped her. Either to prove you still can and brag about it, or to gain some sense of artificial “closure.”

Gormanesque – A story so loaded with irony and hyperbole that it seems like an outright lie, even though there’s a marginal shred of truth to it.

GPA – Acronym for Guaranteed Piece of Ass.

Green Pill – Little green Cavalier, Colbalt or G6. (Source: Rob’s 1998 Chevy Cavalier from high school.)

Gus Johnson Moment – A moment absolutely worth getting disproportionately excited about, especially if it truly is worth actually getting excited about.

H

Home Depot – Someone who is more than a tool. More than a toolbox. More than a toolshed. No. He must be the entire Home Fucking Depot.

I

I win. – Brospeak usually utilized late at night after the girl you just finished drunkenly sexing has passed out or gone home, but can also be used in instances including (but not limited to): Any moment where the level of success is way out of character for the achiever, sarcastic remark about an epic night out that brings the house down, and so … so many more.

Impossible Tripod – Any social triangle involving three girls who love each other to death, potentially to the point of crying with each other and grinding each other in clubs, but whenever one of the three is MIA, the other two talk shit about the absentee ad infinitum.

Injury Report – When you’re too hungover from the night before to go out the night after, you’re listed on the football-inspired injury report as either probable, questionable, doubtful or out. “My head is throbbing today. I’m questionable for this evening.”
J

Jellycopter – The one fat chick in a group of thin girls, who hovers over them in social situations and desperately attempts with great futility to lure guys away from said thin friends.

Jerome Brown – The baddest mofo in town. A certain type of cool that is the antithesis of a James Bond. The type of quiet cool that really unleashes itself on nights out. Possibly stoned. Usually crunk.

K

Krispy Kreme – Glazed … Stoned.

L

Lesbianic – An act or activity that illustrates lesbian potential for a presumed heterosexual female.

Level-6 – Extremely drunk. To the point of getting in fights at bars, kicked out of clubs, retrograde amnesia, ferocious mouthiness, etc, etc. Reserved for special occasions only.

Level-7 – Like L6, only blacked out.

LOOG – Acronym for Lefty One-Out Guy. A baseball term transferred over to mean anyone who shows up to a bar or party late and leaves the gathering extremely early. Someone who makes an abbreviated, rare appearance to any social function.

LST – Acronym for Laura Standard Time. Anyone running 30-90 minutes behind. Takes it’s name from the impeccable Laura, who also qualifies as a LOOG.
M

Manster – Half man, half monster. Think Ray Lewis, Brandon Jacobs, Dwight Howard, Ronnie from Jersey Shore. Any physical specimen with whom you would not choose to start beef.

Meeting of the Minds – Cigarette break.

Menopause Wine – Pinot Grigio. If you’re a girl under the age of 45 who drinks this wine. Just stop. If you’re a guy who drinks this wine, turn in your man-card.

Mexican Weekend – Third weekend in April. Takes its name from a three-day long party freshman year of college which involved Tequila, Rum, Corona, Drunken Spanish and unseasonably warm temperatures. Has been celebrated every year since.

Mollie – Skateboarding term. Portmanteau of “Missed” and “Ollie.”

Morgan Freeman Moment – A dramatic achievement like a last day at a job, the day after a breakup with a woman, a graduation, a cripple ditching his wheelchair for the first time. Something that could only be best summed by the voice that could narrate a phone book and give you goosebumps.

Mullet Party / Mullet Bar – An establishment or gathering which attracts society’s upper-crust as well as blue-collar folks, usually with hilarious results. (Examples: Fraternity parties at state schools, Hipster Dives)

N

Never hit on Midnight – A mantra that dictates if a night hasn’t turned out as well as you’ve expected to, it is best to go home due to the high probability that the night can only get worse. Borrowed from the Blackjack term of the same name, instructing players never to hit when showing 12.

NFNY – Acronym for No Fun, Not You. Also used to describe Niagara Falls, New York. Interchangeable.

Nice – Euphemism for Fuck off.

No-hitter – Borrowed from baseball, transferred to imply a prolonged stretch of sexual prowess and dominance (over a period of 3-10 days).

Now watch this drive. – A preliminary warning exclaimed when something you’re about to do could be potentially foolish yet possibly rewarding, extreme examples include talking to a girl who is out of your league or starting a fight with a larger individual. Less extreme examples include asking your boss for a raise or opening a casket.

O

OHHHH HERRRRROOOOO!!! – Common phone greeting.

Or, as I call it, …Tuesday. – When someone tells a wild story, a way to cut them down and elicit a laugh from the group.

P

Pedophile Paradise – Any establishment which frequently serves alcohol to underage patrons.

Perfect 5 – A girl *(usually a good friend) who’d be marriage material if only she was more attractive.

Perfect game – The opposite of waking up on the wrong side of the bed. An unbeatable day when you’re in God Mode from start to finish. No mistakes and no obstacles left hanging.

Photo Credit: Michael J. Fox – An exclamation or caption to a photo taken while out drinking that turns out noticeably blurry, as if the camera were being shaken.

Pink Crayon – Something done unprofessionally, as if you were to write something in “pink crayon.” Takes its name from a time in 6th grade when we filled out a take-home quiz in pink crayon, got a 100, but was given a C+ due to our choice of writing utensil.

Pizzaface Jones – Someone with furiously bad acne.

Play-by-play – Used to describe an instance where someone you know is describing everything they are doing while they are doing it.

Player to be named later – A plan of action when you’re knowing you’ll get laid at the end of the night,  but you’re just not sure by whom.

Playing Cards – Euphemism for having sex. Takes its name from it being the code written on our white board in college when we did not want our roommate to walk in to a sight that cannot be unseen.

Po-9 – Police

R

Rainbow Road – Any stretch of real estate whether indoors or outdoors featuring trippy, brighly colored, or difficult to navigate terrain. Takes its name from the Mario Kart track, which is exponentially crazier and more treacherous than all the other Mario Kart tracks combined.

RealQuickRealFast – Speedy. Can be rapidly repeated for additional emphasis or humorous effect.

Record Scratch – A sudden, awkward, embarassing moment. Takes its name from scenes in movies where someone walks into somewhere (where music is playing, of course) or says something they shouldn’t have. The music then always stops with a record scratch, even if there is no record playing.

S

Sandra Bullock of X – Someone who is overrated, overpaid and can’t carry the ineptitude around them to glory.

Sexilicious – Anything that’s either better than sexy, or better than delicious. So, could be a person or food.

Sidebar – When you absolutely need to talk to someone about something, but you don’t want anyone else in the group you’re with to hear what you’re about to say. Generally utilized to advise someone against doing something foolish, or to provide useful (and potentially inflammatory) information about other people in the group.

Slampig – A fat chick you bang when you absolutely, positively need to have sex but aren’t picky about with whom.

Slumpbuster – A chick you bang of questionable attractiveness when you absolutely, positively need to have sex but haven’t had it in a while … because you’re in a slump.

Snowcaps – Old people. Nomenclature stems from their white hair on top of their heads, like snow on top of a mountain.

Sorostitute – Portmanteau of sorority and prostitute, meaning a slutty sorority sister.

Soup? – Something you say when your selective hearing gives out, and you just want to change the subject.

Sticker Shock – That feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you find out a devilishly attractive girl you’ve been eying is tremendously high-maintenance.

Suburban Wife Swap –  A name for the condition explaining the tendency among the affluent in planned communities to cheat on their spouses with each other.

T

Target Demographic – Members of the opposite sex within a certain age, attractiveness, intelligence or status whom you realistically expect to date / marry.

The Feel-Good Hit of the Summer – Slang for a downer of a story told during an otherwise celebratory evening out. (Examples: drunken girl confessing she’s been raped, dead parent or sibling, cancer battle, destitution, holocaust survivor, felony conviction)

The rotting corpse of X – Someone who is way past their prime. Word origin lifted from Bill Simmons.

The Sinning Tree – Proper name for the tree on the hill in a graveyard near Syracuse University where untold amounts of pot and opium were smoked, beers were drank, blowjobs were given and sex was had.

Translucent – A white person who is so white, that to call them a cracker or white-boy would simply imply they had too much soul.

U

Union – Cigarette break.

Uticageddon – Returning to Utica after having moved away some years ago.

V

Victory Lap – Name given to the feeling of invincibility you get when you’ve entered your last days in a school / city / job, and you are finally comfortable and cocky enough to do what you want, when you want because the end is near and soon it won’t matter. Involves such conditions such as being showered with accolades by your peers and superiors, partying till the break of day, finally (*and successfully) acting on your urge to express your secret crushes on numerous members of the opposite sex, blowing off responsibility and being wished well by every jealous party who isn’t currently taking the victory lap.

W

Warp Whistle – Something you do or ride or blow into when you quite speedily bounce from a bar, party or social gathering of any kind in order to arrive somewhere infinitely more awesome. Originates from how Mario and Luigi would skip or advance multiple levels.

Westport Book Club – Like a Hen House, but infinitely wealthier and more pretentious. Used to describe an awkward situation involving a bad ratio of blue-collar people to high-society socialites.

Wheel – The guy in the room whose soul desire is to look infinitely more important than he actually is. More accurately, the guy who believes he keeps things rolling. Tell-tale signs of “wheelism” include buying everyone he talks to a drink, talking about backstage appearances at concerts or VIP treatment at clubs, and an affinity for pastel-colored button-down shirts.

Wheelhouse – (Reverse of the Target Demographic) Women of a certain age, attractiveness, intelligence, status or proximity who realistically believe they could date / marry you.

Whitesnake Music Video / Warrant Music Video – Any bar located in a white trash town (see Whitetrashistan) where it looks as though the clientele are on the wrong side of 35 and dress to a certain aesthetic not seen since a Whitesnake or Warrant music video.

Whitetrashistan – Utica.
X (for insert any noun here)

X Airport, Diner and Oil Change / Tire Service / Smoke Shop – Any establishment that’s extremely small and backwoods. A general store is a great example, but also, so is Oneida County Airport.

X of the Decade – something that is superlatively awesome.

X: Y(Verb)’ing since Z(Year) – Snowcone meant to give someone or something a tagline, usually done pejoratively or sarcastically.
Y

Yao brao! (pronounced Yow-Brow)– Variant of Yo Bro. Culled from Avery, who answered his phone like this every day for about 18 months.

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