Why Sharks are the Humans of the Sea, A Scientific Review in Bb Minor

I’ve long had a fascination with sharks. Ever since I was a pint-sized prick, I’ve felt a unique connection to the razor-edged fish freaks.

And I’ve been researched them extensively, as my double-doctorate in Marine Biology will surely prove. The results of this 20-year longitudinal study are now finally available to you, the shark-infested public. My thesis is referenced in the title. Sharks are, in fact, very much just like you or me. The groundbreaking scientific evidence, after the jump.

Sharks have endless jaws constantly in motion. If you’ve ever heard a Long Island girl talk on her cell phone, you’ll catch the evolutionary similarities.

Sharks have an incapacity and aversion to going in reverse. In humans, this has proliferated to include groupthink and the inability to parallel park.

Sharks are buoyant. As are humans, after they’re dead.

Sharks are known for reckless hunting. Often times, they just want to taste their prey … suddenly HOLY FUCK IT’S DEAD I DIDN’T MEAN TO.  Same with humans. I didn’t want to kill the ant under that microscope. I just wanted to see if it’d catch fire.

Sharks have a keen sense of smell, often darting toward even the slightest olfactory stimulation. If you’ve ever worn Aqua di Gio, then you’re familiar with how this applies.

Sharks have selective hearing and can sometimes hear and react to prey from impossibly long range, while can often tune out extraneous environmental stimuli. Men perform this same function by being able to hear the score of the Yankees game from the other room, while ignoring their girlfriends’ repeated attempts to ask them if they’d like to go to the mall tomorrow.

Sharks have great electrical sensitivity. Humans are easily shocked.

Sharks have a longstanding racial bias. After all, the only “Great” shark is white, of course. It’s the Apex Predator of the Ocean, dominating sharks of other color and feasting upon every living thing it crosses.

Males often bite females to show their interest. Male sharks do the same thing.

Many sharks are naturally carnivores, gorging themselves on the finest meats the environment has to offer. Some, however, are vegetarian sharks, feasting exclusively on seaweed and plankton. These sharks are often ridiculed as pussies and kelp-huggers by the meat-eating predators and ostracized from most underwater diners.

The most photographed sharks have streamlined figures. These model sharks are selected from superior genetics, and singled out an early age by over-eager parent sharks. They often don’t have to pay for their own tuna or accessories and mate 457% more often. Fat sharks are often left behind at the coral reefs and picked last in hunting parties. They develop a complex and die alone.

Modern sharks began to evolve roughly 100 million years ago, or roughly around the time Betty White was born.

Sharks rarely eat other sharks, but will kill them with or without feeling threatened. Humans operate in much the same way, especially when stranded on a mountain for weeks or shooting unarmed civilians in third-world countries.

Sharks are known to abruptly change speeds without warning. Sometimes, during rush hour, they’ll rear-end each other, leading to the dreaded Claims Adjuster Shark appearance, and two Lawyer Sharks negotiating for weeks over gourmet sushi. Lawyer Shark, in fact, is one of the few animal monikers that acts as a redundancy.

Sharks possess powerful problem-solving abilities, social skills and curiosity. Nearly 7% of humans fall into this same category. That figure drops to 3% in Mississippi, though since it was a self-response test, the margin-of-error is +/- 5%.

(photo credit: Fuck Yeah Sharks)


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