Life 501: Graduate-Level Life Lessons You Didn’t Learn in School (The Complete Collection)


Pearls of wisdom culled from old tweets and blog posts. Enjoy responsibly.

You could wish your life away … or you could get what you wish for.

Fate isn’t just a cruel mistress, she also makes for a bloodthirsty wife.

Always be happy without ever being satisfied.

Sorry, but if you tell your date sorry ‘I want to take you to chilis’ for a $20 night out … I can guarantee you won’t get another.

If ever you’re feeling sad and alone, you probably are.

Genius is truly just insanity embraced by the mainstream.

Want to know how to get people to want you? Only come through for them on your terms, but come through spectacularly.

One day I noticed I wasn’t getting the results I wanted. So I asked myself, “Why not?” And I didn’t have a good answer. So I went out and got the results I wanted. Yeah … it was that easy.

True cowardice lies not in the fear of losing what you have, but in the fear of losing what you’ve always wanted.

The difference between succeeding at and perfecting something is the difference between being interested and being committed.

Only if I had a dollar for every wasted moment could I then afford to waste another.

There are two ways to become more successful. One is to increase your capacity for action, and the other is to increase the action in your capacity.

Your odds of dying in the future never change: 100%

Anything can happen, but what usually happens probably will.

If people care about you, they’ll make time for you. If you care about yourself, you should make time for you, too.

People who abide by the rules rarely accomplish much.

I pity the man who believes numerous, shallow successes add up to one great big achievement. Snacking on shrimp all day doesn’t equal one satisfying, suculent lobster dinner.

You’re never that far away from success. It’s just on the other side of that brick wall.

Don’t just walk down the street. Throw yourself a parade.

Living may not always be fun, and it’s certainly never easy, but it sure beats the alternative.

Anyone who tells you, “Enjoy your life now, while you’re young” obviously never did. Anyone who tells you, “You need to think about getting your shit together” obviously spent their youth listening to the advice from that first group.

Lawyers go into law wanting to change the world. By the time they leave law school, they realize they can’t. However, that student loan sure ain’t gonna pay itself.

Crazy women are better in bed, but worse pretty much everywhere else.

If I could give you one piece of advice, it’s that not a single person knows your situation adequately enough to give you sound advice … and you can take that to the bank!

Women don’t want attractive men … they want men other attractive women find attractive.

You can instantly look ten times smarter by repeating after me: “The book was better.”

I’ll be honest … the book is only better if you read it before seeing the movie.

If true happiness is your life goal, avoid any occupation that in any way deals with debt collectors.

If you’re a man, and you’ve just eaten any foods containing hot pepper or hot sauce, do not take a piss before washing your hands.

He who yells the loudest loses his voice.

Shouldn’t the proliferation of the world’s religions throw up a red flag that perhaps all of them are wrong?

The key in life is not to be highly self-aware. That’s a euphemism for narcissism. The key is to be highly aware of how others see you.

You know why the pretty girl didn’t give you her number? Because she gave it to the first 4,993 stumbling idiots who asked her for it … and they all blew it with her, too.

In our country, there is absolutely nothing desirable about being middle-class. Except that it’s what every one of us works toward once we’ve exhausted all other options.

When you first set up Microsoft Outlook, the first setting you should modify is to hide the button that says “Reply All.”

Women want to be talked to like regular people. Men want to be talked to like gods. You only strike out when you get that backwards.

The highest praise one can offer art is that “it’s an accurate visual or audio representation of the human condition.” Therefore, sadly, country music is the pinnacle of the pyramid of art.

You know you’re getting old when you reach the point where you realize that your parents were probably doing the same stupid shit 25 years ago that you’re doing right now.

The physical evolution of athletic conditioning is inversely proportional to the aptitude of the head coach.

The downfall of civilization? Hearing women say “For my first husband, I’d like …” and unconditional love doesn’t crack the Top 50.

Speaking of which … men want to find a wife. Women want to get married. (Ladies, send complaints to

People who move to New York all love it. Coincidentally, native New Yorkers only love New York once they’ve relocated elsewhere.

Phoenix was started by a couple of ex-L.A. residents who thought, “You know what would be great? I love the plastic Hollywood lifestyle, high real estate prices, rampant drug problems and lack of fresh water. What if we could take away the ocean and make it 40 degrees hotter?”

If a woman tells you, “I can’t go out tonight. Colorado State and Nevada are in the third quarter and it’s tied!” Ask her if she’d like some company. If she says “Yes.” Bring some beer … and a diamond the size of your head.

Words that will soon sound like locusts once you hit age 29 or so. “Best practices.” “Next steps.” “Value add.” “Risk mitigation.” “Brainstorm.”

By the end of your 20s, you will become exactly the person you never wished to be at the beginning of them. Worse yet, you’ll be perfectly OK with this.

The internet has made sharing important moments with people very easy. It’s also made discerning other people’s truly important moments increasingly difficult.

Chicago is New York for people who hate New Yorkers. Or, more accurately, Toronto for people who hate Canada.

At 18, you HAD TO go to the bars with the lines out the door and the beyond fire-hazard capacity occupancy. At 28, you prefer it if it’s you, your best friends and the bartender. Everyone else is an asshole.

No matter how bland the content, you can get nearly anyone to click on anything as long as there’s a pretty girl in the picture.

A mountain to climb is just a stepping stone on the way to the stars. You’re going to need another thousand of them and none of them are worth the effort.

If I loved other people half as much as I loved myself, I’d be a-ok with dying alone.

Every step you take, no more and no less, leads you to where you are.

They say it’s important to be open to new ideas. That said, here’s one: “You are amazing.” Go ahead … I dare you to tell me ‘no.’

ODD FACT: Facebook does not recognize Facebook as a word in its spell-check.

Remember kids, you can do anything you want if you put your mind to it. And also raise enough capital and lie to enough people. Anything.

Never hit on Midnight.

If you don’t miss what you give up, then what you did a disservice to what you had.

There are three types of people in this world: Those who want the ball when it matters most, those who pass the ball when it matters most, and those who drop the ball when it matters most.

If you can’t express an original thought, express it in an original way.

The things in life that make for great stories aren’t necessarily the things in life that make for great lives.

You shouldn’t help other people because you believe in a just world where you’re rewarded for what you put in. You should help other people because the world is unjust, and you’re willing to try and rectify that.

If you don’t know what you’re shooting at, its better to carry a machine gun than a sniper rifle.

Perfectionists have more flaws.

Memory is learned inertia.

Better to be a man with a past than a man with no future.

Good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those who sack up and pull lady luck by the hair wherever the journey takes them.

I would never date a girl who lacked the self-esteem to turn me down in the first place.

I find that the most destitute and woebegone folks are often the friendliest. Why? Because they have to be.

You can earn a reputation from doing things, but you can only earn a legacy from doing things that matter.

Perhaps the most extraordinary thing one can do is master the art of finding peace in being ordinary.

I will always make new friends so long as I have booze in me.

The truest way to make it in this world is by getting as many other people as possible to care that you do so.

Work efficiently, live completely.

At least once, you’ll make yourself late for work searching for your first set of keys while your spare set is hanging by the front door.

Everyone’s got one, so somebody really needs to come up with an accurately descriptive name for “that drawer in the kitchen with all the shit in it that doesn’t actually belong in the kitchen.”

What you find offensive today will likely be fashionable in five years, widespread in 10 and classic in 25.

When a girl says, “I don’t know, babe, it’s up to you” she really means, “It’s not up to you, I’m just checking to make sure you still have a working set of balls.”

The fine line between insanity and genius can be made clear by the answer to one simple question: Can this turn a profit?

All reasonably attractive women with a burning passion for sports are married by age 26. All reasonably attractive men without a burning passion for sports are probably in a commercially unsuccessful art-rock band by the same age.

Comedians are the biggest rip-off in entertainment. Save the $20. Buy your own bottle of vodka and invite your best friends over. You’ll laugh the same amount without having to pay a cover charge.

When people tell you, “Think for yourself!” They really want you to think more like they would, and less like whoever you currently think like.

The vast majority of people will irreversibly make up their mind about you within 15 seconds. However, for every additional second it takes, multiply that number by 10. That’s how long it will take you to effectively change their mind.

You can’t judge a book by it’s cover, but you can probably assess with great accuracy it’s target demographic and whether you’re in it.

Only those who die young retain their beauty. The rest of us have to work on racing to develop a personality before the hard-wiring of our minds prevents us from doing so.

Ironically and literally are ironically the two most overused adverbs in the English language, literally.

On Facebook, everyone looks like they’re having more fun and achieving more success than you. Though they probably are … don’t worry about it. Just get really good at Photoshop.

Nearly every woman claims to still love at least one of their exes. Nearly every man claims to still want to make love to one of theirs. Ironically, these love interests literally never match.

The terrorists will always win if they’re willing to die for their beliefs. The civilized world can’t compete with that kind of passion. The playoffs are next week.

The hardest part in life isn’t finding success – it’s about remembering where you put it.

With each new improvement in communication technology, the durability of fame and power erode exponentially.

Men spend the rest of their lives trying to return to a place they spent the first nine months trying to leave.

Action without thought occasionally makes the world a better place … thought without action absolutely never will.



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