In Praise of the Dive Bar

divebarbitches

It’s Friday night, 10 p.m.

You and your peeps weren’t hip enough to get invited to that chic club opening down at the corner of Seventh and Pretense, and you need someplace to go.

Time’s a-wastin’ and you need to get wasted. Your liver sighs a deep sigh.

It’s time to go diving. Continue reading

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Sisi and the Ladder

SisiLadder

“I want to see the stars,” Sisi said to her mother.

She was seven, a young Venezuelan long before the time of Bolivar, and, as children often are, she was unafraid to dream.

“Well, Sisi,” said her mother as she ushered the young lass outside, “The stars are right here for you to see. See?”

And the stars bespectacled the night sky, flickering and shining bright as a young girl’s eye.

“No, mother,” Sisi insisted, “I don’t just want to see the stars,” and she became spectacularly serious, “I want to see them from up there. I want to go to the stars. I want to touch them.” Continue reading

Thirtyist: 7. The Voice

recording-microphone

Let me be 120%, Swarovksi-clear: I hate the sound of my voice. Hate it.

Won’t listen to it. Won’t harmonize. Won’t do multiple takes on a vocal track. Won’t listen to my TV and radio interviews. Won’t record a goddamn “Hi, you’ve reached [redacted], leave a message after the ..” Nothing. I wasn’t born Morgan Freeman or Ryen Russillo. I sound like a 23rd-Century robot-parrot hybrid after 12 cartons of Winston, 3 gallons of cough syrup and shot out of a cannon, filtered through a vocoder. Continue reading

Russell Westbrook doesn’t steal scenes, he steals screenplays

Russell Westbrook

Zero. In set theory, Zero represents the cardinality, the first and only probable quantity of the null set. It’s the number around which all amounts, positive and negative, are based.

You don’t cloak yourself zero without first cloaking yourself in hubris. (See: Arenas, Gilbert) Continue reading

The Ultimate Guide to Getting Trashed at Weddings

We just got our first summer nuptial invite in the mail yesterday. Break out the suits and the sundresses, because it’s wedding season! Time to get crunk with bffs, cougars and creepy relatives in the most unpretentious and thrilling fashion possible! Here’s some anecdotes and advice to help you navigate the wedding waters with ease. Continue reading

Daddy, What Should I Drink?

I’m glad you asked, son.

See, as you grow older, there’s going to be kids out there who will pressure you into different things, like stealing candy bars, recreational  cocaine abuse and European electro-pop. You listen to none of that noise; your ol’ man knows what he’s talkin’ about.

One thing the kids will try and make ya do, after you go to college and become old enough, of course – but probably before that – is drinkin’ beers. [*pops a bottle of Magic Hat #9*]

Continue reading