First of all … read this.
Just remember to come back when you’re finished.
So, got all that? Because, contained within those 11 paragraphs is the entire sad, sorry, sick state of the American way of life. I’ll list the salient data points, in order.
1. Tucker Carlson believes Michael Vick should have been executed … for animal cruelty and dog-killing.
2. Michael Vick killed dogs and is back playing, starring in, and being fawned over, in the NFL
3. People are unhappy about this, except for fans of Vick or the particular team he plays for
4. White people care about dogs more than they care about black people
5. Dogs get fed homemade and organic foods, dressed in designer outfits and nuzzled like infants
6. Black folks are apparently afraid of dogs, because redneck honkies would use attack dogs to maul their great-great-grandparents in the Jim Crow South
7. People can write for the Atlanta Post without establishing an iota of coherence (seriously, the article waffles like a cone)
8. Some whites hate dogs
9. Some black people love dogs
10. DOGS GET THROWN F@#KING BIRTHDAY PARTIES
11. Coltrane is an awesome name for a dog
12. God taught us humans to love dogs
13. Apparently, Gandhi judged the greatness of a nation by the way it treats its animals
14. People breed dogs for fighting
15. Dogfighting has nothing to do with football
16. Vick is apparently amending his character BY PLAYING QUARTERBACK REALLY WELL
17. White people hate black men with money
18. Tucker Carlson has no problem with Sarah Palin shooting moose from a helicopter.
19. Actually, I have no problem with shooting moose, either. After all, they are moose.
Tucker Carlson is a douchebag who has a media voice because it is purposely inflammatory, and it is that very caustic abrasiveness that brings in ratings and ad revenue. It’s why Rush Limbaugh has a steady following, and Magic Johnson’s late-night show didn’t last past the C-block.
It’s never too late to correct a mistake, or to atone and amend one’s past. However, in America, the only way that you do this is through bringing success and wealth to others. Michael Vick’s assumed ‘redemption’ has little to do with his character, and everything to do with he’s putting up MVP-type numbers on a playoff-bound Philadelphia Eagles team.
People are more likely to love you if you’re the same color skin, or wearing the right color jersey.
Cute animals are the only ones worth protecting. You can’t club seals, kill dogs or torture kittens, but you can cage cows, whip horses, skin sheep and shoot moose.
White Americans are ignorant, two-faced, scum-of-the-Earth, opportunistic, backhanded pricks. We butcher attempts at Spanish, we incorrectly recite Jay-Z lyrics to black people in a sad attempt to sound hip, we post advocacy links all over our Facebook walls for gay rights / animal rights / Darfur sovereignty despite never donating a drop of time or money to any cause, can’t tell various Asians or Eastern Europeans apart and think we know India because we’ve seen “Slumdog Millionaire” …
White Americans appear tolerant, knowledgeable, cultured, warm, caring and accepting when we presume it will make us money, earn us status or reflect well upon our character. When that incentive isn’t there, when the spotlight is off, well …
… let’s just say cooking tacos for exchange students from Costa Rica to give them “a taste of home” is sorta like giving a frog you catch a stick and a leaf in a bell jar to make it “comfortable.”
We (Yup, I’m white, too) don’t know anything, and when we try to care enough to know, we come off awkward and contrived. I know this.
So I’ll just go on cheering for the black men who put the ball in the end zone for my team, and cursing out the white men who put the ball in the end zone for the other team, and I’ll probably make the worst Pad Thai ever and ask a gay man for some fashion tips.
And then I’ll drink the pain of never being able to fully grasp it all away, because the more bubbles there are inside of me, the more comfortable I’ll be inside the big, giant, protective one my culture’s created for me.
See you Monday. I promise you, I will still be alive. Enjoy Wild-Card Weekend.